I suppose it has been a while since I vented my anxiety. The thing that never leaves, the thing that I began perceiving before I could even put a name on it.
Life has been better lately, and for me that is an achievement worthy of recognition. For many years life has felt like an uphill battle that I’ve always been losing. I left every birthday, every New Year’s Eve feeling a deep seated sadness that I survived for another year and begged the Universe to give me an answer as to why.
More on that another day.
I quit my job and found a better one.
I am ONE semester away from graduating with a degree that has a really long name.
I still have not found the career that I can stick to for the rest of my life, that’s okay.
I am in a loving relationship.
I have a car and a dog and air in my lungs.
I ALMOST have enough money for my dream camera.
My aunt once told me, “if the good times don’t last, neither do the bad ones.”
I am telling myself that but also trying to tell myself to enjoy the moment I am in, to stop daydreaming in class and focus on the lecture about peace negotiation or the lecture about gender roles, to expand myself wholly. (Write more you maniac! Go on more walks! Hug your old dog!)
It is a challenge, to be out of this eternal war that rages within me, for a temporary peace treaty to be brokered.
I promise you that I will try to enjoy this feeling that I am happier than I am writing myself to be. I am feeling something akin to being content and I am smiling and laughing but I am also terrified of feeling that pain again.
I will leave you with another quote from Amelie, one that I keep repeating to myself.
“So, little Amelie (Rubab), your bones aren’t made of glass. You can take life’s knocks. If you let this chance go by, eventually your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.”