the unbearable lightness of moving

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There is a beauty in moving, an unbelievable freedom in packing away your things and seeing an empty space before you. If you’re like me, you downsize and throw away things that have no use or need anymore. I inherited this from my mother, we moved so much that as a kid that I never was able to make one place home, so we minimized and downsized wherever we went.

I moved to Denton when I was eighteen, and it was such a thrilling feeling! I was on my own and I learned how to help myself and do things completely alone. Things were good and I made friends and had amazing experiences until life happened. And then I wanted to leave but due to circumstances out of my control, I have to stay here until the end of the year. I cannot tell you how much that pains me.

When I was eighteen I promised myself never to stay in a place that made me unhappy, not again, no more towns where it feels like the walls are closing in and I cannot escape.

Unfortunately, it happened, and I began living in a beautiful home with people I did not want to be around and in a town I despised. But I’m still here, for another month and then off to something temporary and then to the world.

I’m trying to remind myself that it will be okay. And as I began packing my things away this week I felt some of that pain ease up.

Everything in this life is painfully temporary, the ground you step on will never be the same again, the memories you desperately cling to will fade away.

The pain in my chest began easing up, as I cleared off my bookshelf I remembered how much fun I had putting it up with Andrew. I found more of Hannah’s old sweaters I realized they were unwashed and still smelled like her. I remembered sitting out on the porch listening to Johnny Cash and drinking PBR. It was okay, it was okay, it was okay.

I remembered the excitement and joy I had once felt and I reveled in that. In the world of Rubab, sometimes it feels hard to remember those feelings or even feel like they exist.

As I put things away I smiled at this room, how lovely it was, how one-day nostalgia will tell me how wonderful this house was and how one day I’ll drive through Denton and miss these moments, even the painful ones.

The little house on Alice St will always hold a place in my heart, after all, it was the first house I ever lived in.

And I looked at the boxes and how they formed a neat little pile in the corner of my room. How they held my DVDs, my books, my old Moleskines, and how easily all of these things could be lost and I would still be okay.

I was eighteen again, ready to move, ready for change, ready for whatever life was going to throw my way.

And then, I was eight again, clutching a worn out stuffed animal and setting him in a spot that will be perfect for him. I was ready for my mom to bring in my books so I could make this tiny bedroom home.

And suddenly, the lightness came back and I felt like I could breathe again.

I am still searching for a home, still searching for a place to rest my bones at night and the journey has only begun.

I may end up living off the coast of Ireland or a small apartment in North Dallas. But I will never break that promise, I will not let myself stagnate in a town that has nothing left to offer me.

If I have to move away and throw away some things, so be it.

peace treaties & glass bones

 

I suppose it has been a while since I vented my anxiety. The thing that never leaves, the thing that I began perceiving before I could even put a name on it.

Life has been better lately, and for me that is an achievement worthy of recognition. For many years life has felt like an uphill battle that I’ve always been losing. I left every birthday, every New Year’s Eve feeling a deep seated sadness that I survived for another year and begged the Universe to give me an answer as to why.

More on that another day.

In short:

I quit my job and found a better one.

I am ONE semester away from graduating with a degree that has a really long name.

I still have not found the career that I can stick to for the rest of my life, that’s okay.

I am in a loving relationship.

I have a car and a dog and air in my lungs.

I ALMOST have enough money for my dream camera.

My aunt once told me, “if the good times don’t last, neither do the bad ones.”

I am telling myself that but also trying to tell myself to enjoy the moment I am in, to stop daydreaming in class and focus on the lecture about peace negotiation or the lecture about gender roles, to expand myself wholly. (Write more you maniac! Go on more walks! Hug your old dog!)

It is a challenge, to be out of this eternal war that rages within me, for a temporary peace treaty to be brokered.

I promise you that I will try to enjoy this feeling that I am happier than I am writing myself to be. I am feeling something akin to being content and I am smiling and laughing but I am also terrified of feeling that pain again.

I will leave you with another quote from Amelie, one that I keep repeating to myself.

“So, little Amelie (Rubab), your bones aren’t made of glass. You can take life’s knocks. If you let this chance go by, eventually your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.”

on exploring home

I am currently nestled away  in a beautiful coffee shop on Routh St. It is 40 degrees out and I am dressed for the occasion. (Crooked Tree Coffeehouse, for those who are wondering.)

Granted, I do look a little out of place, as I am the only person in this coffee shop not decked out in TCU or SMU gear.

Aside from that, it is a beautiful morning. The sun is extra bright and the air bites at my nose and cheeks but I don’t mind.

It is one of those early Saturday morning which chills your bones and makes you happy to be alive.

If there is one thing you should know about me, it’s that I am a city girl. I love the hustle and bustle of the city, I love the unique faces and the spontaneity that comes with city life. Of course, I do love the warm country air but nothing puts a spring in my step like exploring a big city whether it be Dallas or Houston. (Although I’m not a big fan of the latter.)

I love Dallas, I’ve lived here since I was four years old. I first lived near Preston St and then moved to sleepy Irving (ten minutes north of Dallas, depending on what roads you take). Another thing about me is I am a devoted North Texan, the thought of living anywhere other than North Texas gives me anxiety, but alas we have to leave our comfort zones eventually, right?

So today, I will be exploring my city and taking all the pictures I can, before I have to head back to quiet little Denton.

I’ve attached some of the pictures I took after a long morning of exploring, these photos were just taken on my little ol’ iPhone 6s, so they’re not the nicest but this situation will soon be remedied.

Enjoy!